#Trust Issues

How many of you suffer from that? Trust issues?

You want to trust and have confidence in people. You want to be able to get out of your own way and let people in. You want people to know that it’s not them, but it’s you. And how tired of an excuse is that? The typical explanation that comes at the of almost every break up. “It’s not you, it’s me!” After a while of saying or hearing that, it gets old. Nothing’s resolved and you’re still right back at square one.

Well, for me, my trust in people has been marred since I was a little girl. I have always believed that the main people I should be able to trust, should be adults. My family here, were those kind of people. I was raised by a single mother and her parents. We moved in , when my Grandfather got sick, after my parents’ divorce. This is where I was homeschooled. They have always been the people that protected me, with everything they had. They were the people that were there for me and made sure that I felt loved and happy. So, I just always assumed that all adults were that way. Caring, Loving and Trustworthy. Boy, was I wrong!

See, I’ve never had a relationship with my Father. I mean , we couldn’t be further from each other, in all ways. I used to look like him, when I was two. But, no more. We never had a connection, I don’t even know what his favorite color is! Or if he likes sports. But, I have one vivid memory of the two of us doing something. He used to fix things, once was a supervisor of the this company and he’s done a lot with construction work. I do love to fix things and my knowledge of fixing things came from him.

But, because of him, I had a hard time trusting people. He was dishonest, (to say the absolute least) and he’s disappointed me in ways, that no one else have has. I wanted to trust and believe that he was going to come through on his word. But, 99.9999999 percent of the time, it was lie after lie. I was always crying or angry about it and over time, I just closed up. Basically because, people would be very sneaky about him. Years ago, if a person saw my Mother, Grandmother and I in the grocery store, they would talking about random things. You know, church, family, the prices of grocery, etc. But, they would never mention him. That is, until I was sent by Mom or Granny to go down an aisle, to get something.

See, for a long time, I wasn’t allowed to go down an aisle by myself. I was probably about Eight or Nine something like that, in order to get something on an aisle alone. But, I digress. If I was sent down an aisle, somehow these people who would talking to my family, would always find me. They always did and then they made a bee line to get to me. And when they did, they would be talking about him. All about they’ve seen him and they talked to him. They said, that he wanted to spend time with me and blah, blah blah. Anyway, this would make me feel uncomfortable. Because I’d thought to myself. Why didn’t these people talk about him, when they were talking to my Mom and Grandmother? Why wait until I, a little kid, got alone to talk about such a serious subject?

He would be around my family, he knows what kind of car I drive, he’s seen me, recently. The last time I saw him, I was 12. The year 2000. 26, now as of a few weeks ago.  You might be wondering why, my trust has been marred. It was just scary to me, thinking that people that I thought I trust, could be the very people that would try to “Jack me Up”. So to speak.  But, I had no idea how much it has been bothering me, until this past weekend. I was invited to go out to dinner with my friends and I was actually excited about going. I got dressed and I was on my way. But, then as I was on my way, I panicked. All of those fears came flooding back into my head. And they came hard. So much so, that I turned around and came back home. I just hated it! I hated the fact, that I allowed someone that can’t touch me or anything, continue to effect me. But, I’ve realized the only way to fix this situation, is to just break the chains and move forward.

So, I am doing that now. In fact, I’ve already made a step and I am not trying to turn back now! So, with that being said, I was wondering if there’s ever been a time, when you’ve had trust issues? How did you fix it? How do you deal with it?

Feel free to share in the comments.

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