To Pursue or be Pursued? That my dear…is the question.

Everyone says that I am bold. That I speak my mind and that I am not afraid to be honest. Well, for me, that is very true. I am a person that has never been afraid to be upfront. I feel that people will always respect a person that is an open book. Nothing to hide, nothing to lie about. From time to time, I’ve been know to be a little too honest, but I am working on that now. Thank God!

Even when it comes to guys, I’ve been the same way. If I like someone, I’d tell them. And that was really stupid. I was putting myself in  vulnerable and potentially embarrassing situations.  And yes, I knew that’s what I was doing. And did it anyway. Dumb, right?

Yeah, I think so, too. To prove my point, I am going to share an experience with you.

There’s a guy that I’ve known for a very long time. He’s older than me and we come from different directions. But, we had a lot in common. Our families have known each other for generations and we haven’t been any different. I met his friends and now, they’ve become my friends.  And, I love these guys and girls. And I can admit, that I loved him. Too Much. Way Too Much! I would cook for him, buy him gifts and I gave him a lot more attention that I gave myself. Every time I saw, I was always so excited. I would go running to the door or the window, just to see him. And it was really pathetic. Because, I didn’t know that I was making a joke out of myself.  But, that’s exactly what was happening.

I just became stuck on stupid. No, actually I became stuck on ‘Absolutely Fool’! And I blame myself for that. I knew better. But, this guy really has great qualities. He has a giving heart and he will do whatever he can to help you. But, there are certain things about him that I can’t put up with. When a person talks to you all kinds of ways and hurts your feelings, would you continue to put with that? Well, I did. I tolerated stuff that I know that I didn’t like. just in hopes that he would change his mind about me and look at me like a Young Lady turning into a Young Woman, instead of a little sister or whatever he told me.

I wanted him to like me so bad, that I thought cooking and giving gifts would help that along. But, all it seem to do was drive him further away. I was pursuing and he was running. Well, he outran me and I couldn’t keep up. However,  The Women that he was interested and evidently seeing, could keep up with him. And all I was, the laughing stalk. I could basically hear it, through the air. And I felt like crap. Because I was the young girl and they were grown people. So, to being with I was in, way over my head. But, I was just so hard-headed, that I just had to get what I want. Or in this case, who I wanted.

Now, fast forward five years, things have changed. Dramatically. Now, the crush is gone!!! And, I don’t feel anything anymore. But now, he’s notice the change and he’s acting differently. Suddenly, he’s interested. Well, too late! He could have been on the same page with me before, but not now. I am one of those people that is going to take just anything that she can get. After going through this experience, I’ve learned a lot about myself. I have given up a lot of my own happiness and time for everyone else’s. How is that fair to them or to me? It’s not. They are getting more from and of me, than I was. That’s not right. Now, I’ve seen other guys that I find attractive, but’s after I’ve been pursued by them. And trust me, it feels so much better to be pursued than to be the chaser. When you’re a woman chasing, it can come across as desperate. Especially, when you’re chasing like I was.

It’s nice to be attractive to someone and it’s nice to have them want you, for a change. It’s nice to be the person that is in the center. Not the one standing around, hoping and crossing your fingers that you’ll get chosen. It’s just not worth it. It’s nice that you walk in their company, they are happy to see you. They are pleased to see you and they want to see you. That’s nice and it means a lot to me.  But, that’s not all. They are smart, intelligent and great people. With great personalities. They have so many great things about them. And I must say, that I really enjoy being around them.

It feels good to say that the crush is over. But, it feels even better that I mean it. I just wishing it away, but it’s actually gone! And It feels freeing. So, I am very excited about the prospects and the opportunities.

Now, I am learning how to appreciate myself and give myself time and the love that I deserve. I am my own woman. And in given time, I will be someone else’s, too. But, until then, I am just going to enjoy my life and growing into who I want to be.